I am having a lot of inner battles at the moment. I have always, ever since I can remember, disliked my body. Quite a lot of the time I can ignore my dislike of myself but eventually there comes a day when I feel so fat and disgusting that I find it very hard indeed to leave the house - like people are going to be judging me and looking down on me. It doesn't seem to make any difference if people tell me that I look fine - Milord always tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me the way I am. However, I think something in my head must just be broken. I've come to the conclusion that it's actually got nothing to do with my weight itself, and everything to do with both hormones and emotions. Sometimes I can feel wonderful and really sexy, and yet other times I feel so bad about myself that I can't bring myself to go out of the house. The awful thing is that it means that quite often I end up missing out on something fun because I just stay in - and I have the most awful fear of being photographed. I absolutely hate it - I always am the most big and frumpy person in almost any photograph, no matter what clothes I wear.
So, I need to work out how I can get past this once and for all. I think it actually has absolutely nothing to do with how much weight I lose. I really need to get my head straight about myself and learn to accept myself before I can actually get to the point where I am able to look in the mirror and not want to cry and scream and claw my skin off. I know that being an hourglass figure with good curves is a great thing, but we are so constantly bombarded with thin people in the media and in adversiting, and I seem to have an abundance of thin friends which really doesn't help!
I guess the thing that I need to work on is the self-talk that goes on inside my head all the time. I need to turn that from a constant negative to a contstant positive, and focus on the good things. There are lots of aspects of my personality and my life that I absolutely love - Milord is the centre of my life and I adore everything about him, I have the most fantastic set of friends and I love being a Goth and all the lifestyle that comes with that. I even enjoy the clothes and everything associated, but I have neglected to make the most of that side for fear of a) spending too much money, and b) because I firmly believe that 90% of goth clothes are for skinny women. I have yet to find a wardrobe of clothes that really look good on me.
Which brings me back to the subject of this blog! I am attempting, after weeks of hiatus, to get back into my handicraft hobbies of knitting and sewing and so on. I think one of the best ways to get myself to love myself more is to have clothes that I feel good in and that look great on me. At the moment money is a bit of an issue but I think that I should in a couple of months be able to start buying and altering my clothes again. I shall start with existing things like my lovely black coat - the buttons can definitely be changed for something a little more skull-y. Then I shall be looking a little further afield. Don't get me wrong - a lot of my clothes are great and really lovely, but I seem to have quite a shortage of appropriate tops as that's the part of my shape that's most difficult to dress (given the rather impressive breasts I have been cursed with!). But I shall just keep on trying, keep making the efforts in the mornings (makeup, jewellery, perfume etc) and try not to let myself get too down.
This has been a rather ranty post about my weight and self image issues - I am hoping that in six months time when I am feeling much better about myself, I can look back on this and smile as I think how far I have come. All of life is a lesson, after all!
