Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness...

As I write this, I am sitting in a lovely country hotel on a crisp November morning. There is a white mist hanging in the air, and the smell of woodsmoke drifting in from the open door. It's days like this that make me love this time of year. The hotel is in the middle of a wood and the leaves of the trees are the most vivid and spectacular colours - absolutely beautiful. I must remember to take a picture of the front entrance before the mist disperses... and for that matter, I must remember to check out before 11:30!

The surroundings have put me in a very Christmassy mood and my thoughts are, as usual, turning to the upcoming festivities. Most important is the question of presents. I have quite a few ideas for Milord, and my parents too. But having ideas and managing to make them happen are two entirely different things! We shall have to see what Santa manages to pull off this year. I am really excited to be bringing Milord into the Christmas fold... as I may have mentioned previously, our family absolutely love Christmas and have all sorts of lovely traditions for the time of year. One of my absolute favourite traditions is one for myself and my wonderful father. On Christmas Eve, we rise at the crack of dawn (or quite a bit before, actually) and wrap up warm. We then climb into the car, put the heated seats on, and drive down to the local butcher. Every year for as long as I can remember, we go to this butcher - the best one in my home town. We always order a free range turkey from them, and dad and I go on Christmas Eve morning to go and pick it up. However, this butcher really is very good, and so lots of other people similarly order their Christmas meats from there. The shop itself is rather small so only a few people can get in at a time... the rest of us have to queue outside. In December. In the early morning. Hence the wrapping up warm. We usually queue for half an hour or more before we can get in and get the turkey, and then haul it back to the car. Next stop is Sainsbury's - my mother organises Christmas in a way that a regimental soldier would be proud of. However, she always leaves a couple of things for my father and I to collect from the supermarket. So, on we go, and pick up the things that we have on the list, plus a couple of things that we inevitably think of at the last minute. Then, flushed with success, we return triumphantly home and wedge the turkey into the fridge. It sounds like a very mundane tradition and not terribly exciting, but I have to confess that it is one of the most fantastic things that happens in my year. I absolutely love it.

So, back to presents. Father Dearest is coming down to London next weekend to come Christmas shopping with me - another of our traditions. I am hoping to be able to get some lovely presents then, and the rest will be acquired over the next six weeks. The problem is getting things that you didn't get last year! This year I am going to have to think 'outside the box' as it were, and get some more unusual things. And Milord will need special attention. He is unfailingly wonderful, and if I can't spoil him rotten at Christmas, then when can I? The poor man will need some TLC methinks, seeing as he will be spending a whole week with my family over Christmas! I'm sure he will be fine - I have already been quizzed as to his favourite foods and what he eats for breakfast, what beer he likes, what other drinks he likes, and a raft of other things. He certianly won't be going hungry or thirsty!

Halloween and Bonfire Night and Christmas - oh my!

I absolutely love this time of year. Three of my favourite festivals all rolled up into one. I am much more of an autumn/winter person than I am a summer person - I am actually allergic to the sun so summer is not the most fun time of year for me! And I am also a night person (fits quite well with the whole Goth thing) so I love the dark. I am one of those people that never turns the lights on in a room unless I really have to. I love sitting in the dark. Milord doesn't quite understand it, I don't think, and turns lights on in the room all the time, but darkness is definitely my friend.

Anyway, back to the current festivities. We have of course just passed the first celebration of Halloween, one of the favourite times of the year for almost any Goth. I absolutely love it and our flat has been adorned with various spooky trappings for weeks now. I shall attempt to persuade Milord to keep a lot of it as it is, but alas some of the things will need to come down. Halloween is definitely a wonderful time to get lots of spooky nick-nacks for the house, and it's a great opportunity to get some more dark clothing too, as people like to jump on the bandwagon at this time of year. Whilst that has its distinct disadvantages, it does mean that things like stripy tights and fishnets are more easily accessible!

Then of course there is Bonfire Night, a tradition truly English. I think people tend to forget about why we actually celebrate Bonfire Night (giving the lie to the rhyme 'Remember remember the fifth of November), which is a shame in some ways. But aside from the memorial aspect, it's become quite a ritual in my family. We have fireworks of course, and then a bonfire supper which consists of any number of things but usually involving either tomato soup, sausages and mash, jacket potatoes, or parkin (a kind of oatmeal flapjack type thing, flavoured with spices). I love the cold air and the dark nights around bonfire night too - there is something lovely about wrapping up all warm and cosy, and going and standing outside to watch the fireworks. Alas, this year I won't get to see any fireworks as I'm not in London this weekend, so I shall miss out on all the displays. Unfortunately they're all either on Friday, Saturday or Sunday and I won't be here for any of them! A real shame as I have some very fond memories of fireworks displays of the past.

However, Christmas is of course my absolute favourite and I am still like a little kid when it comes to the build up to Christmas. I am already getting all excited about it, much to the chagrin of Milord! Don't mistake me - he does love Christmas but tends to get excited about it on Christmas Eve, rather than at the end of October like me! I do have a valid excuse this year as I will be away on business for almost the first half of December, so I shall have limited time to really get the full Christmas experience. However, I do have a lot of fun things lined up to make the most of it! They've turned on the lights on Oxford Street already, so tonight my plan is to walk down Oxford Street once it's dark, and take in the spectacle. I shall treat myself to some sort of Christmassy coffee (gingerbread latte, perhaps) and wander down the street, for once not caring about all the irritating people jostling me. I shall look into the Selfridges windows and see what treats are in store - I would never dream of actually shopping there but I do love the displays they make of their windows. I am curious to see what the theme this year will be! As I mentioned previously, I am off to spend the weekend away this weekend and Milord will have to fend for himself. I am sure that he will have a whale of a time as he'll probably spend a lot of it gaming with his friends, and the rest of it either sleeping or playing one of the many new computer games he's recently acquired. The reason I'm going away is to first of all have my locks dyed and trimmed, but also to see my parents and get some Christmas cheer in early... There is a wonderful garden centre not far from where they are which does the most fantastic array of Christmas decorations. We have to go and have a look there - it's become a tradition in our house. As Milord and I only moved into our place this year, we have no Christmas decorations at all. So, I shall this time be on the lookout for either a purple and black theme (to be inkeeping with the rest of the decor) or to go completely down the traditional route. Milord has already mandated a fibre optic Christmas tree, so all I need to look for are the decorations to go on the tree and some other ornamentation for the rest of the place. Unfortunately I shall be away when the Christmas decorations are due to go up, so it will have to be a nice surprise for when I get back. With Milord's artistic leanings, I am sure that he will do a glorious job. I might have to put the cauldron and skull candles away before then though...

Inner battles

I am having a lot of inner battles at the moment. I have always, ever since I can remember, disliked my body. Quite a lot of the time I can ignore my dislike of myself but eventually there comes a day when I feel so fat and disgusting that I find it very hard indeed to leave the house - like people are going to be judging me and looking down on me. It doesn't seem to make any difference if people tell me that I look fine - Milord always tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me the way I am. However, I think something in my head must just be broken. I've come to the conclusion that it's actually got nothing to do with my weight itself, and everything to do with both hormones and emotions. Sometimes I can feel wonderful and really sexy, and yet other times I feel so bad about myself that I can't bring myself to go out of the house. The awful thing is that it means that quite often I end up missing out on something fun because I just stay in - and I have the most awful fear of being photographed. I absolutely hate it - I always am the most big and frumpy person in almost any photograph, no matter what clothes I wear.

So, I need to work out how I can get past this once and for all. I think it actually has absolutely nothing to do with how much weight I lose. I really need to get my head straight about myself and learn to accept myself before I can actually get to the point where I am able to look in the mirror and not want to cry and scream and claw my skin off. I know that being an hourglass figure with good curves is a great thing, but we are so constantly bombarded with thin people in the media and in adversiting, and I seem to have an abundance of thin friends which really doesn't help!

I guess the thing that I need to work on is the self-talk that goes on inside my head all the time. I need to turn that from a constant negative to a contstant positive, and focus on the good things. There are lots of aspects of my personality and my life that I absolutely love - Milord is the centre of my life and I adore everything about him, I have the most fantastic set of friends and I love being a Goth and all the lifestyle that comes with that. I even enjoy the clothes and everything associated, but I have neglected to make the most of that side for fear of a) spending too much money, and b) because I firmly believe that 90% of goth clothes are for skinny women. I have yet to find a wardrobe of clothes that really look good on me.

Which brings me back to the subject of this blog! I am attempting, after weeks of hiatus, to get back into my handicraft hobbies of knitting and sewing and so on. I think one of the best ways to get myself to love myself more is to have clothes that I feel good in and that look great on me. At the moment money is a bit of an issue but I think that I should in a couple of months be able to start buying and altering my clothes again. I shall start with existing things like my lovely black coat - the buttons can definitely be changed for something a little more skull-y. Then I shall be looking a little further afield. Don't get me wrong - a lot of my clothes are great and really lovely, but I seem to have quite a shortage of appropriate tops as that's the part of my shape that's most difficult to dress (given the rather impressive breasts I have been cursed with!). But I shall just keep on trying, keep making the efforts in the mornings (makeup, jewellery, perfume etc) and try not to let myself get too down.

This has been a rather ranty post about my weight and self image issues - I am hoping that in six months time when I am feeling much better about myself, I can look back on this and smile as I think how far I have come. All of life is a lesson, after all!

Taking the plunge

I have decided to ‘take the plunge’ as it were, and start my very first blog. There is no definite aim for this blog, except for me to hold forth on my varied and disparate interests. You’ll have to forgive me if the posts are a little terrible – it’s been quite a while since I have written anything more creative than an email!

First, I feel I should start with an introduction. I am a lady of what you might call the Goth Persuasion; that is, I have a rather serious and corporate job that means that I cannot unleash my Goth side for a good portion of the time, but I am rather interested in all things dark and Gothicky. Of course, evenings and weekends are fair game and I use that time to enjoy my passions and indulge in my taste in clothing (not generally encouraged in an office setting!). Thanks to my rather wonderful other half, who is very artistic and imaginative, I have been moved to rediscover some of my more crafty interests. I’ve always thought of myself as not very artistic, but I guess that’s not strictly true. I am just not conventionally artistic. This is actually very fitting as I don’t think I’ve been very conventionally anything in my life to date! But I do seem to have a bit of a flair for needlework of various kinds, jewellery making (I used to make my own when I was a teenager), and photography. Then there’s the gaming, both computer and tabletop, the reading, the cooking... the list goes on. I just wish I had more time to indulge them all! Sigh.

Part of the reason for my renewed inclination towards needlework is my constant struggle to find clothing that fits properly and is flattering. It seems nowadays that in order to be attractive as a woman you need to be tall and stick thin with no curves. As a petite yet rather curvy figure myself, I have come to the conclusion that if retailers are not going to give me what I’m after, I shall dratted well make it myself! It’s been some years since I did any serious dressmaking apart from the usual running wardrobe repairs, so it will be very interesting indeed to once again immerse myself in the world of patterns, pins and purling (yes, I knit too...).

At the moment I have a few things that I would like to start off with. Firstly, there is a gorgeous rocking chair in our flat which was a birthday present from Milord Unfortunately, it currently has a rather unattractive cushion adorning it! Task number one will be to create a new cushion cover for said cushion, so that it is more in keeping with the rest of the decor in our flat (black and purple, of course). Secondly, I have decided, perhaps foolishly, to make some presents for family for Christmas this year. So, I want to make sure that I give myself plenty of time to finish them!